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Mar 12, 2009 Judean People s Front Crack Suicide Squad. What, you haven t seen Life of Brian. Rent it now.
Pontius Pilate:
So, yaw fatha was a Woman. Who was he.
Brian:
He was a Centurion, in the Jerusalem Garrisons.
Weally. What was his name.
Naughtius Maximus.
the Centurion laughs
Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison.
Centurion:
Well, no, sir.
Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked.
Well, no, sir. Umm, I think it s a joke, sir like, uh, Sillius Soddus or Biggus Dickus, sir.
guard chuckles
What s so funny about Biggus Dickus.
Well, it s a joke name, sir.
I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called Biggus Dickus.
Silence. What is all this insolence. You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.
Can I go now, sir.
slap
Aaah. Eh.
Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this.
Wight. Take him away.
Oh, sir, he - he only
No, no. I want him fighting wabid, wild animals within a week.
Yes, sir. Come on, you.
takes the guard away as continues laughing histerically
I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy. - - Anybody else feel like a little giggle when I mention my fwiend Biggus
another guard chuckles
Dickus.
more chuckling
What about you. Do you find it wisible when I say the name Biggus
chuckle
both guards chuckle
He has a wife, you know. You know what she s called. She s called Incontinentia Incontinentia Buttocks
Guards are laughing
Stop. What is all this.
laughing continues
I ve had enough of this wowdy webel sniggewing behaviour. Silence. Call yourselves Pwaetowian guards. You re not - Seize him. Seize him. Blow your noses and seize him.
Please, please, please listen. I ve got one or two things to say.
The Crowd:
Tell us. Tell us both of them.
Look, you ve got it all wrong. You don t NEED to follow ME, You don t NEED to follow ANYBODY. You ve got to think for your selves. You re ALL individuals.
Yes. We re all individuals.
You re all different.
Yes, we ARE all different.
Man in crowd:
I m not
Sch.
Nisus Wettus:
a line of prisoners files past a jailer
Crucifixion.
Prisoner:
Yes.
Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each.
Next prisoner
Mr. Cheeky:
Er, no, freedom actually.
What.
Yeah, they said I hadn t done anything and I could go and live on an island somewhere.
Oh I say, that s very nice. Well, off you go then.
No, I m just pulling your leg, it s crucifixion really.
laughing
Oh yes, very good. Well
Yes I know, out of the door, one cross each, line on the left.
Matthias:
Look, I don t think it should be a sin, just for saying Jehovah.
Everyone gasps
Jewish Official:
You re only making it worse for yourself.
Making it worse. How can it be worse. Jehovah. Jehovah. Jehovah.
I m warning you. If you say Jehovah one more time gets hit with rock RIGHT. Who did that. Come on, who did it.
Stoners:
She did. She did. suddenly speaking as men He. He did. He.
Was it you.
Stoner:
Right
Well you did say Jehovah.
Crowd throws rocks at the stoner
STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. STOP IT. All right, no one is to stone _anyone_ until I blow this whistle. Even and I want to make this absolutely clear even if they do say, Jehovah.
Crowd stones the Jewish Official to death
Reg:
All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us.
Attendee:
Brought peace.
Oh, peace - shut up.
There is not one of us who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all.
Dissenter:
Uh, well, one.
Oh, yeah, yeah, there s one. But otherwise, we re solid.
Ex-Leper:
Okay, sir, my final offer: half a shekel for an old ex-leper.
Did you say ex-leper.
That s right, sir, 16 years behind a veil and proud of it, sir.
Well, what happened.
Oh, cured, sir.
Cured.
Yes sir, bloody miracle, sir. Bless you.
Who cured you.
Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business, all of a sudden, up he comes, cures me. One minute I m a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood s gone. Not so much as a by-your-leave. You re cured, mate. Bloody do-gooder.
Judith:
on Stan s desire to be a mother
Here. I ve got an idea: Suppose you agree that he can t actually have babies, not having a womb - which is nobody s fault, not even the Romans - but that he can have the right to have babies.
Francis:
Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother sister, sorry.
What s the point.
What s the point of fighting for his right to have babies, when he can t have babies.
It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.
It s symbolic of his struggle against reality.
last lines
Lead Singer Crucifee:
as end credits role and crucifees are singing Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life
It s the end of the film. Incidentally, this record s available in the foyer. Some of us have got to live as well, you know. Who do you think pays for all this rubbish. They ll never make their money back, you know. I told him. I said to him, Bernie, I said, They ll never make their money back.
Blood and Thunder Prophet:
screaming
and the bezan shall be huge and black, and the eyes thereof red with the blood of living creatures, and the whore of Babylon shall ride forth on a three-headed serpent, and throughout the lands, there will be a great rubbing of parts. Yeeah
False Prophet:
yelling
for the demon shall bear a nine-bladed sword. NINE-bladed. Not two or five or seven, but NINE, which he will wield on all wretched sinners, sinners just like you, sir, there, and the horns shall be on the head, with which he will
Boring Prophet:
there shall, in that time, be rumors of things going astray, errrm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things wi - with the sort of raffia work base that has an attachment. At this time, a friend shall lose his friend s hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o clock. Yea, it is written in the book of Cyril that
There shall in that time be rumors of things going astray, erm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia-work base, that has an attachment. At that time, a friend shall lose his friend s hammer, and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o clock.
arriving at Brian s crucifixion
Hello, Sibling Brian.
Thank God you ve come, Reg.
Well, I think I should point out first, Brian, in all fairness, we are not, in fact, the rescue committee. However, I have been asked to read the following prepare statement on behalf of the movement. We the People s Front of Judea, brackets, officials, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom.
Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed, on behalf of the P. F. J., etc. And I d just like to add, on a personal note, my own admiration, for what you re doing for us, Brian, on what must be, after all, for you a very difficult time.
Mrs. Big Nose:
a crowd is listening to Jesus speak
Don t pick your nose.
Mr. Big Nose:
I wasn t pickin my nose. I was scratchin it.
You was pickin it, while you was talkin to that lady.
I wasn t.
Leave it alone. Give it a rest.
Stan:
Do you mind. I can t ear a word he s sayin.
Don t you Do you mind me. I was talkin to my usband.
Well, go and talk to im somewhere else. I can t ear a bloody thing.
Don t you swear at my wife.
I was only askin er to shut up, so we can ear what he s sayin, Big Nose.
Don t you call my usband Big Nose.
Well, he as got a big nose.
Man 1:
trying to hear Jesus
Would you be quiet, please. What was that.
I don t know; I was too busy talkin to Big Nose.
Man 2:
I think it was: Blessed are the cheese-makers.
Wife:
What s so special about the cheese-makers.
Husband:
Well, obviously, it s not meant to be taken literally - it refers to any manufacturer of dairy products.
See. If you adn t been goin on, we d ave eard that, Big Nose.
Say that once more - I ll smash your bloody face in.
Better keep listening; might be a bit about Blessed are the Big Noses.
Lay off him.
Oh, you re not so bad yourself, conk-face Where are you two from. Nose City.
One more time, mate. I ll take you to the fuckin cleaners.
Language. And don t pick your nose.
Well, why don t you go and tell him you want to be a leper again.
Uh, I could do that sir, yeah. Yeah, I could do that I suppose. What I was thinking was I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the ass to be blunt and excuse my French, sir.
On the run from Roman soldiers, Brain lands on a public stage prophets. Brian quickly decides to disgues himself as one
Unsure and stuttering
Don t pass judgement on other people, or you might be judged yourself.
Passer-by:
as if shocked
I said, don t pass judgement on others or you might be judged yourself.
in small, squeaky voice
Who me. Oh, Thank you very much.
We re gettin in through the underground heating system here, up through into the main audience chamber here, and Pilate s wife s bedroom is here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our custody and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions.
Commando Xerxes:
What exactly are the demands.
We re giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Roman Imperialist State, and if he doesn t agree immediately, we execute her.
No, no. Please, please please listen. I ve got one or two things to say.
Look, you ve got it all wrong. You don t need to follow me. You don t need to follow anybody. You ve got to think for yourselves. You re all individuals.
Yes. We re all different.
Shhh.
You ve all got to work it out for yourselves.
Yes. We ve got to work it out for ourselves.
Exactly.
Tell us more.
No. That s the point. Don t let anyone tell you what to do. Otherwise - Ow. Ow.
KanesaysIgG4: Are you sure it wasn t the People s Front of Judea Crack Suicide Squad.
Splitters.
Why you all about women, Stan.
I want to be one.
What.
I want to be a woman. I want you all to call me Loretta.
But why Loretta, Stan.
I want to have babies.
You want to have babies. You can t have babies.
Don t you oppress me.
I m not oppressing you, Stan. You haven t got a womb. Where s the fetus going to gestate. You gonna keep it in a box.
/ all from memory so pardon me please if you see little mistakes
// Life of Brian FTW.
/// I love that movie. One of my favourite comedies of all time.
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